The Hand Washing Song

This is exactly what I needed today. The Rock posting a video on IG of him and his daughter washing their hands while he raps a song from Moana honestly put a smile on my face. I’ll be real, I have a very unpopular take on Moana and its that I think its overrated. I love watching Pixar movies, but Moana for some reason doesn’t really jive with me. Idk what it is. Every time I try to watch it, I fall asleep. It’s just not for me. However, The Rock rapping is just awesome. It’s everything I needed in a time like this. It shouldn’t come to a surprise that it’s The Rock that is raising everyone’s spirits up. The guy can do no wrong. I’m convinced that if he ran for President, it would be the biggest lopsided win in the history of politics. It wouldn’t even matter what party he ran for. I have not once met an individual who had something bad to say about the guy. The Rock = Good Guy.

Let’s also talk about how genius this song is. Not only is it catchy and fun, but it’s a realistic length for how long washing your hands should be. When I was little, I was told to do the alphabet at a normal speed twice. Thats wayyyyyyy too long and wayyyyyyy too boring. It’s the reason why I never washed my hands as a kid. It’s also the reason why I have an amazing immune system now. I didn’t start regularly washing my hands until I was like 12, maybe 13. Now, I never get sick. NEVER. So in actuality maybe this song wouldn’t have been good for me growing up. Regardless, it’s a good song NOW and that’s all that matters.

Twitter: @paddyp3000

Cold streak

So before I dive into anything, I want to address the frequency of posts. As it is pretty well known, I am a college kid so with school kicking back up I will try to post at least one blog a day. I’ll try to rattle out a couple during the weekend. Idk we’ll see, it’s not like anyone really cares.

Ok lets get into the nitty gritty. Today I want to talk about cold streaks. I’m not talking about gambling or sports because we obviously don’t have those going on right now. No, I’m talking about sex. Right now is the worst time to be on a cold streak. I’ll be honest, I’m on one right now. I’ve been on cold streaks before. They suck, but they happen. This might be the worst because there is no end in sight. At least with my other cold streaks, I could try and make something happen. I at least had the bat in my hands and I could try to put the ball in play. Now I don’t know what’s going on. Luckily, I have some sort of excuse. I could spin this and be all about social distancing and come out of this looking like a good guy trying to do the right thing. I can’t blame my inability to close the game out because right now there is no game. Thank God we have free premium (again, thank you Pornhub) or else I’d be cooped up in a house with all this pent up sexual aggression. I’d probably turn into Kenny Funkhouser.

Not My Pastor

According to TMZ, pastor Rodney Howard-Browne from Tampa was arrested yesterday morning for illegally holding a Sunday service. Officials claim that he was violating social distancing rules. Full story here- https://www.tmz.com/2020/03/30/river-church-pastor-rodney-howard-browne-arrrest-warrant-coronavirus-social-distancing/

Where do I begin on this one? Do I start with the mugshot?

I mean does this look like a guy that would be busted for breaking social distancing rules? Maybe. Does this look like a guy who would be busted for a string of murders and hoarding the dead bodies underneath his porch? Yes. Or maybe for racketeering or some other mafia related crime? Absolutely. The fact that they only busted him for breaking social distancing rules is a miracle. I personally think this was a statement arrest. The Tampa police department wants it to be well known that they aren’t putting up with anyones shit right now. I love it. If you’re going to be the asshole who goes against social distancing then you deserved to get the cuffs slapped on ya.

Next let’s talk about the location. Not surprised this is in Florida. Florida is becoming known as the state that doesn’t give a fuck about corona. I mean can I really blame them? They have alligators and meth heads running a muck in their state. A pandemic is a like a typical Tuesday for a Florida native. This headline isn’t even that bad for them. They’re use to some headline about some white trash stepdad attacking a McDonald’s employee for not giving him enough napkins or something. I went down there a few years ago for spring break and saw a sign claiming they found a pill that could make you stop aging. Fuck, if they have a cure for aging then I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they whip up some bootleg cure for the virus.

Lastly, everyone who participated in this is an idiot. I mean there’s no other way of saying it. I listened to like 30 secs of this guys spiel and I had no clue what he was talking about. The dude talks like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy. Something about oils? Who knows. Everyone is just nodding and holding their arms up in the air like a fucking moron. Everyone in attendance should been arrested too. Not for breaking social distancing laws but for buying into this dump cramp.

Twitter: @paddyp3000

Power of the Premium

With a nation-wide quarantine in place with no end in sight, many people are forced to keep themselves entertained. A form of entertainment that gets overlooked and, quite frankly, is considered taboo to talk about is pornography. When I thought things were looking dark and there seemed to be no hope, StayAtHomeHub (formerly known as Pornhub) dropped an absolute bomb on the general public. They assessed the situation and made a power move by announcing free premium for a month.

Now I’ll be clear: I WILL NOT PAY FOR PORN. Have not and will not. For two reasons, 1) I’m a college kid and why pay for something when you can get it for free and 2) my card statements get sent to my parents house and they check it every month. One could imagine the awkwardness when you have to explain to your parental unit that paying $9.99/month for exclusive content is a priority in your life. Unlike Perfect10 (Super Bad reference, if you don’t get it then stop reading), Pornhub isn’t a very discrete name. However, StayAtHomeHub offering FREE premium is something I can definitely get on board. A website chalked full of unexplored adult entertainment, given to a college kid who has nothing but time on his hands is a dangerous recipe. A recipe that calls for more tissues and more lotion. So Karen, you can take all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer you want. As long as the tissues and lotion are stocked up, I’m fine.

Now let’s talk about the exclusive content that comes with a premium membership. If you can think it, odds are it’s on the site. The other day I watched a film where the actress had double identities and she was fucking anyone who came close to realizing she lived a double life. She would then report back to an anonymous person. It was like some spy shit. Who was she calling? Why was she living a double life? How come I never run into someone who is living a double life and is willing to have sex with anyone who is even remotely close to discovering their secret? These are the questions I need answered. I demand a sequel.

So with all that being said, I would like to thank StayAtHomeHub. I know everyone is thanking first responders and essential workers for all they do, but people overlook the unsung heroes in all this. The porn industry has been a silent worker during these trying times and I would like to recognize their efforts and all the work they do.

If you like reading this and want to stay caught up with all my posts give me a follow on Twitter at @paddyp3000. If you are reading this and think “Wow this kid was a mistake” then I would love for you to meet my parents. You’d have a lot in common.

Middle Schooler Again?

Self-quarantine has brought out the middle schooler in me. For the past few weeks, I’ve lived the lifestyle I once knew during the long summer days in my middle adolescent years. With me living on my own, it’s even better. No bed time, no chores and I can eat whatever I want. If I want pizza every night, then fuck it. I’m like a god damn teenage mutant ninja turtle (minus the whole ninja and turtle part). I play hours on hours of video games and no one can tell me to turn it off. What’s that dad? Want me to stop playing my finger games? Nope. As everyone has been complaining about having to stay in, I’m living my best life. Bring back my middle school days. I will not complain.

Instagram Challenges

This is numero uno. The first of potentially many. The first of potentially few. This is the first official post and I want to kick it off with something that has been grinding my gears for the past few days. Instagram challenges, I’m calling you out.

It seems like whenever I hop on the old ‘gram there is a new challenge that has surfaced from the depths of god knows where. Some of the latest include see 10, do 10 or a new fan favorite: see a pup, send a pup. I get it. We’re all bored. But these challenges need to end. Brad, I don’t give a fuck that you can do 10 perfect push ups. We get it, your body is a temple. This is just an excuse to show off for some broad you’ve been trying to nail for the past few weeks and hey, what’s a better way of doing this than showing her that you are a physical beast. I hope you can do 10 push ups. We’d have a bigger problem if people couldn’t complete the challenge. And if you’re reading this and thinking “This is some guy who is insecure with his own fitness level” then you are extremely wrong. I might not be able to rip off a billion push ups, but I can definitely do 10. And that is why I think the challenge is stupid. Anyone can do it. Diminishing the whole point of a challenge.

Next let’s tackle see a pup, send a pup. This is a tricky challenge to bash because I don’t want to come off as a dog hater. I’m a dog lover. I love dogs and dogs love me. It’s a fact. Carole Baskin killed her husband and dogs love Paddy Philadelphia (yes, ik my alias sucks and needs work. I’m self-aware). My biggest beef with this challenge is people are doing it for the wrong reasons. Similar to see 10, do 10, this challenge is just an excuse for dudes to try to get laid. Most girls LOVE dogs. So what’s the best way to try and get into the pants of Becky from Alpha Phi? Posting a pic of little Snickerdoodle. Poor Snickerdoodle. Being used in the hopes of what? Getting an OTPHJ at your parents house?Pathetic.

So what do these two challenges have in common? If you answered both are silly attempts to get laid then congrats! You have pointed out the obvious. These challenges revolve around sex. In some way or another all challenges do. These were just a few examples. I could break down each and every one, but I have other things to do, like write more blogs to attract the attention of beautiful women (I told you I’m self-aware).

Lets Begin

First and foremost, if you’re reading this congrats. You have enter the mind of a college kid stuck at home waiting for this god damn pandemic to end. Over the past few days, the level of boredom has been rising increasingly and I figure I take up a new hobby. I’ve tried all sorts of things before this. I’ve tried Tik Tok but I am not good looking enough to really take off on that. I’ve tried reading a book, which was a crazy idea considering I barely know how to read. Through all this, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a ton of thoughts and they need to be vented. So buckle in because this could be a bumpy ride through the mind of the average college kid.